Mr. America...

Greetings and salutations,

First and foremost, I must apologize for the paucity of postings of late. Time is a precious commodity, as you know, and its allocation was elsewhere during the past week. However, I hope that this discussion may compensate for my brief sabbatical.

With that said, as most of you are astutely aware, I am wise to the modern media (technically being a member of this body with my renowned blog) and its fodder on a daily basis. Recently there was some discourse regarding Miss California and her own views on certain issues. Now, I am not one to comment on the nuances of her political stances. Instead, the title of this temporary pop culture icon intrigued me. Precisely what are the qualifications of one who is deemed Miss ________ (fill-in-the-blank)? Extending an argument steeped in rigorous logic, it stands to reason that there too must be Mr. ________ (fill-in-the-blank). If so, then similar characteristics should presumably prevail in crowing these male pillars of society. Thus, if I can merely uncover the mystery of these individuals, perhaps I can become one of them.

The most obvious trait of these people is clearly their dashing, suave, and otherwise debonair aesthetic qualities. Modesty generally prevents me from commenting on this point. However, Mama told me that in this instance it was permissible. She fancies me to be quite handsome. And I must admit that I pull off the bald look quite well. At this tender age, I have learned that there are two variations of bald. One epitomized by one George Costanza. The other bald is fashionable, modern, hip, and striking. Think Michael Jordan or Tyson Beckford. Popular vote places me clearly in the latter category (with a slightly more pale complexion).

Moving along, after reviewing the footage from several recent pageants, it would seem that there is a critical talent component to securing the title of Mr. ________. It just so happens that I have a virtual cornucopia of skills germane to this aspect of the competition. For instance, I take batting practice with the best of them now. Or how about my ability to make fishy noises? If you close your eyes you could swear that you are at the Bassmaster Classic. And then there is my uncanny ability to project food across the kitchen by fluttering my lips. All of these talents could easily be refined for a breathtaking performance.

Two characteristics down, two to go. Every competition seems to have a bathing suit portion. Sure enough, my personal trainer (Mama) has this addressed. She snagged me a rather charming bathing suit that accentuates my positive features while leaving just enough to the imagination. And the tan, now that is truly impeccable. There is not a line on me, primarily because I am entirely and utterly white. This, my friends, is the epidermal wave of the future.

And finally we come to the quintessential trait of a Mr. ________. Often under-appreciated by the common person but lauded by the judges of such prestigious competitions, this aspect is the hallmark of any true titleholder. Dripping with anticipation, I give you...

...the wave. This is so critical for not only becoming a Mr. ________ but also for having a long and prosperous reign. It is this calming upper extremity gesture, with just the right amount of wrist, carefully cupping of the palm, and firm placement of the fingers, that informs the people that you represent all that they seek in a Mr. ________. It is this stunning piece of enlightenment that has caused me to dedicate my current development to refining this skill. Rest assured that the preliminary process of the perfect wave is down and before you know it the masses will say, "That boy sure can wave."

Carter

Someone in heaven is always looking after me...